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"Learning to Listen” – An Aha Moment

By Cyndi Bennett
EVP, Chief Human Resources Officer

I don’t think I have ever been good at listening. I always thought I was not a good listener because I have always been a working mother. When my kids were little, there was always so much to get done. With a full-time job, a long commute, homework, sports, etc., those years seem like a blur of weekday rushing and weekend activities trying to make up for the guilt of the workweek. My position on listening was always “just get to the point.” With little time, I don’t need to hear all the details; just give me the punch line. When the kids started a long story, I didn’t have time to engage fully. I had so many other things on my mind.

I recall one time someone on my staff was debriefing me on a meeting she had that did not go the way she expected. She started from the beginning and explained the entire meeting. When she finished, she asked me, “What should I do?” At that moment, I realized that I couldn’t provide any direction because I wasn’t really listening to her. I felt awful, and I had to ask her to “start over.”

Hearing from Her is a blog by Selective. An Aha Moment by Cyndi Bennett is a though leadership article regarding learning to listen

I went home that night and reflected on my listening skills and how terrible I felt about that interaction. I realized that being a busy mother was not really the reason I was a poor listener. At that moment, I knew that all of the feedback I had been getting over the years from my kids, my staff, my boss, and my mentors about holding my thoughts and conclusions, being open to new ideas, and building relationships all stemmed from my inability to really listen. Suddenly it all clicked and, as a leader, I knew I had to do better.

I bought a book called The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships, and I learned that genuine listening demands taking an interest in the speaker and what they have to say. I don’t mean pretending to be interested, but really trying to understand their point of view. It also means suspending your own needs and reactions and not talking. I have learned that by not talking, you learn so much. It’s also a great way to build relationships. Consider this excerpt from the book:

“A good opportunity to learn more about the opposing voices inside you is the next time you find it necessary to ask someone's advice. The need to ask is a sign that contending voices have nearly equal claim on your attention. What is the nature of those voices? Does the question of whether or not to go to an unimportant meeting symbolize a debate between the dutiful child and the rebellious one? And if you ask someone's advice, aren't you aware of what he or she will say? And do you sometimes seek out the right person to give you the answer that part of you really wants to hear?”
- Michael P. Nichols, The Lost Art of Listening

In the past year-and-a-half, I have gotten better at listening. I know because my staff tells me that and, sometimes, my kids do as well. I just wish I had learned how to listen much earlier in my career. Making improvements is a lifelong journey, and I have accepted that I am neither perfect nor do I have all the answers. But, I am determined to keep trying and to keep listening.

What Are Aha Moments?

As women around the world continue to take on the challenges of virtual learning and juggling at-home childcare or eldercare with remote work, there has never been a better time for women to come together in community and share stories of overcoming their challenges. Creating a community or a squad of women you can trust is, in my opinion, one of the keys to a successful career. While we all have our unique set of challenges, the ability to connect to a community to learn what has and hasn’t worked for others can help guide our own individual journeys as we navigate uncharted waters. With this in mind, I asked some colleagues at Selective to document their “Aha Moments,” with the hope that amplifying their voices and sharing their stories inspires or enlightens someone in our audience. – Emma Corcoran

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