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My Beautiful Mess

Headshot of a Selective Insurance Employee
By Maria Orecchio
Senior Vice President and Deputy General Counsel

When John F. Kennedy was photographed with a young JFK Jr. playing beneath the Resolute Desk, people found it heartwarming to see this youthful President running the country with his young family playing by his side. Unfortunately, that same positivity wasn’t always shared with women who reveal glimpses into their busy lives as they juggle professional and personal responsibilities.

Knowing that bias, most women created separate worlds, and worked tirelessly to maintain both or choose between them, often compromising professional ambitions for personal responsibilities. I was one of those women – and I became a pro at being able to compartmentalize my life.

I learned very early as a young female lawyer to jam work and personal life in their own respective—but terribly overstuffed—boxes, and to keep them separate or risk being perceived as “not committed,” “distracted” or the death knell “unprofessional.” I worked hard for an image—loosely based on my reality—of a driven professional woman adept at juggling the crazy that comes with a demanding career, three active children (a 12-year-old and 9-year-old twins), a husband and aging parents.

What I didn’t let people see, and only rarely admitted to myself, was that I lived on a tortuous seesaw, addressing whatever box was heavier at the time only for the other to inevitably fall. Then COVID-19 hit; adding health fears from a deadly disease and stripping away access to the village of friends and family I relied on for mental, emotional and physical support. Suddenly all of my carefully packed boxes came crashing together, spilling out their contents for everyone to see. I scrambled to find order again, but instead what I found was my new normal, albeit a messier one.

My work was busier because of COVID-19, and yet I was also expected to home school two fifth graders and an eighth grader and parent aging parents. My generally respectful children were now making almost daily cameos in my video conferences - the more important my call, the more likely they will interrupt with some “urgent” question. I became (even more) short tempted with them and others because the stress and anxiety of maintaining it all was crushing.

I found myself often saying, “I’m fine, it’s fine…” to others and myself, almost like a mantra (or a prayer), although I’m not certain if I was trying to convince them or myself. I desperately struggled with compartmentalizing my worlds, with maintaining that “professional” image I long had in my head, and with “giving up ground,” or so I felt, if I admitted the truth that all of this was impossible and I am really NOT fine!

However, once I admitted the truth and said it aloud, the revelation was cathartic. When I spoke honestly with others, they shared similar stories. Each conversation helped validate that the struggle wasn’t an individual failure (most Type A personalities will assume fault) and it gave us the permission to have an ugly cry - at least for a little while.

Through all this, I gained a bit of perspective. Others might see my life as a bit of a mess right now – but it’s my mess and there’s some beauty in the chaos. Amidst it all, I do what I can to be a good wife, mother, daughter and colleague. I take what comes my way with truth and a dash of humor, and am thankful for the people who understand and support it all. And I do what I can to reach out to others, both men and women, who are struggling a bit in this new messy world of ours. Once we embrace it, we just might find out that we’re fine after all.

About the Author

Maria Orecchio is Senior Vice President and Deputy General Counsel at Selective Insurance Company of America, responsible for directing the Legal Department’s support for Insurance Operations, Reinsurance, Corporate Litigation, and Human Resources. Maria joined Selective in 2014 as Vice President and Assistant General Counsel, where she provided expert advice and strategic counsel on a broad range of complex legal, transactional, regulatory, compliance, underwriting and distribution issues for Selective’s admitted companies. Maria is also a member of Selective’s Women at Work initiative and is an advocate for the advancement of women in insurance.

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